Thoughts on Flying

The desire to fly is an idea handed down to us by our ancestors, who— in their grueling travels across trackless lands in prehistoric times — looked enviously on the birds soaring freely through space at full speed,  above all obstacles, on the infinite highway of the air.     - Wilbur Wright (1867-1912

I don't fly often, but when I do, I am always really, really amazed at the technology and people that have helped us arrive at where we are today. To think that we can fly around the world in a vehicle that won't fall from the sky and follows a path without lines, roads, and visibility, is almost beyond my comprehension. The intelligence that God gave many men and women is not the same intelligence that he gave me!

In flying, there is a different level of trust we have to put in the the pilots, plane, and mechanics who check the planes after every flight (hopefully!).  To think about falling out of the sky is terrifying, but researchers tell me it is safer than driving a car on the road! 

My favorite part of flying is take-off because it is just fun to lean back with the plane, look out the window, and see the patterns of the roads, neighborhoods and clouds in the sky. It's just amazing to me.

Does this really have much to do with school counseling? Not much, but as with anything, I could make an analogy pretty easily. My job is to help students "learn to fly", by encouraging them to take risks, dream, and set goals that seem pretty impossible. Would anyone living in the early 1800's ever think that a person could ride a vehicle in the sky (first flight 1903 in the United States) let alone ride in one on a road (first car in 1879 in the United States)? I wonder how many dreamed of those possibilities before they ever came into fruition? We all have dreams that we sometimes don't act on and before we know it, someone else has taken that opportunity. Being in high school is the perfect place to begin dreaming big and finding a way to make things happen.

The Heroes of the Battle: School Counselor Recognition Month

                                                       

February is National School Counselor recognition.While not wanting to trivialize actual soldiers in war, it often feels like we counselors are in the battle for the souls of children within our care 8 hours a day, and every one of us is a hero, although we would not think of ourselves that way. The Indiana Youth Institute collects data every year of the most serious and prevalent issues our school aged children face.  This year's findings suggested that the top issues in Indiana specifically are: poverty, teen suicide, depression, infant mortality, child abuse, increasing access to weapons, and relationship violence.
The full study can be obtained by clicking here: IYI 2017 Kids Count in Indiana Data Book

With the exception of infant mortality and increasing access to weapons, school counselors deal with the other issues on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis.  At my school I make an average of one CPS phone call, assess suicide, and assist in relationship violence or abuse every 2-3 months, and deal with effects of poverty, depression and relationship abuse on a daily basis. School counselors fight for the healthy minds and well being of our students.  This is on top of other regular responsibilities such as scheduling.

I believe many students, especially middle and high school aged, are suffering from a mental health crisis. I like this definition I found on the internet:

A mental health crisis is a non-life threatening situation in which an individual is exhibiting extreme emotional disturbance or behavioral distress, considering harm to self or others, disoriented or out of touch with reality, has a compromised ability to function, or is otherwise agitated and unable to be calmed.

We can spend a lot of time researching cause and effect, but the truth is, our schools are filled with students who are in constant distress about something. So many things contribute to this: family disturbance, genetic inheritance, social anxieties, academic pressures, relational abuse, and self-medicating practices. As school counselors, we must continue to advocate for a lower counselor to student ratio, social workers in the schools, and resilience to keep learning how to assist without giving up. Our youth are our future and we must continue to celebrate their successes and inspire hope for their futures. Continue to be heroes.

Nicco's Lesson from Probation

 

We have a student at Harris Academy who is a great kid. We enjoy having him and he is a role model for other students. He stays out of the "drama" per se, and is often caught trying to talk reason into some of the students. He recently wrote an essay for his English teacher about a lesson he learned through being on probation.  His name has been changed. I think you will enjoy the following short writing prompt.

 

When was the last time you really challenged yourself? I'm not talking about beating some video game on the hardest difficulty, I'm talking about when you went out and made a difference. When was the last time you did that? Sometimes it can be difficult, I know, but like Martin Luther King Jr. once said, "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." So if you really want to be measured as a good man then do something difficult and meaningful.

When I was on probation, it was by far the hardest six months of my life. Everyone judged me and thought of me as a hoodlum and projected that I would violate probation seven times before I would finally get sent to jail or something. Everyone told themselves they couldn't trust me and that I was a bad person.  The entire six months I had nothing- my dad took my computer, TV, friends, longboard, and I wasn't even allowed to go to youth group. And because of that, everyone thought I didn't stand a chance in this world. Everyone thought I would lose hope and flunk out of school, get stuck flipping patties at McDonald's or something like that, but I pushed through it and now, here (at Harris Academy), I am doing good in school, staying out of trouble the best I can, and passing classes all day every day. Now just think, how do you want to be measured for what you did in times of challenge and controversy? Do you want to be the man who quit? Or the man who rose above and made the best out of his situation?

For example, in "The Fantastic Mr. Fox" when Mr. Fox gets in too deep with the farmers and gets trapped underground, he's prepared to sacrifice himself so that his family and the rest of the innocent animals can get out alive. Then he realizes his nephew Kristofferson got captured by the farmers, and they go on a rescue mission to save Kristofferson. After they save Kristofferson they realize they are still trapped in the sewers and there's no way out alive, but they don't just give up. They start digging "in a very special direction this time" according to Mr. Fox, and they dig and dig until finally they find where the farmers keep all their livestock and cider. They take it all and continue living a happy rich life in the sewers as the farmers await Mr. Fox's return to the surface. Mr. Fox was truly a good fox.

So next time you think somethings too hard for you or you just don't want to do it, remember "the ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." And go above and beyond in whatever you are doing.

A Fish in the Wrong School

I took this picture at random while visiting the zoo this summer. As I was looking through the pictures the other day, I noticed the fish in the middle on the left and suddenly thought about the kids I work with at my alternative school.  Our education system pushes all students in the same direction, and from outside the tank it looks pretty and cool, but on the inside, some of the "fish" know they are not in the right "school."

All of our students come from various backgrounds and no two are alike. One of the upsides of working in an alternative school is I see that kids who come here are unique and different from the school where they felt like a fish out of water.  I recently attended an alternative school forum and got to meet some counselors and administrators from other alternative schools.  One of the things I learned is that all of us who work in alternative schools have the same goals for our students who come there: to help them learn and thrive in the way that fits them best. Isn't that what the Learning Styles movement of the 90's in education was all about? While many teachers work towards this end (and I must brag that our school district does an extremely good job at this), many are still not adjusting to figuring out a student's learning style and many schools across the country have high drop out rates.

So many of our kids who have been with us for awhile (more than 9 weeks) often say they feel at home in our school, our teachers care, and they never want to leave until they graduate. It amazes us how their mindset changes from the first day they arrive. Their attitude is often, "I just want to make up my credits and get back to my own high school." I guarantee that in the last 2 1/2 years, we have only had approximately 3 students go back to their home high school. For most who come, it is a perfect fit.  Our challenges are hefty- often the students are wrapped up in their social world of friends and family and sometimes they fail some classes during their adjustment period, and we often work harder than the students do to move them toward success.  Overall, though, the struggles end up being worth it when students display maturing attitudes, develop a sense of urgency to complete their courses, and ultimately graduate.

Success ultimately lies in building the relationships it takes for students to want to do better.  I am deeply grateful for the alternative school concept and the innovative people who started them.  When students find the right school, they are able to thrive and show their beautiful "fish" colors. (I had to tie in the picture here at the end!)

Tips for a Broken Heart

Grief and heartache affect us all. Our lives rotate in cycles. Joy, Sorrow, Grief, Happiness. Each time we hit the grief cycle, we think we will never get out. Most of us do find our way out. The ones who don't may find themselves stuck in depression (the 4th stage of grief) for the rest of their lives.

How do we successfully move through the stages of grief to reach #5-acceptance? (The first four are  denial, anger, bargaining and depression)

In my lifetime so far, I have concluded there are a few important things we can do.

1. Allow ourselves to grieve.  Don't suppress any emotions- sadness, anger, fear, etc. When emotions become overwhelming, do something to relieve your mind and body of the stress- take a walk, reach out to a friend, read a book, play video games- whatever you gravitate to for enjoyment at the end of the day.

2. Allow ourselves to be happy.  Often losing someone imposes a heap of guilt on us if we do something fun after our loved one is gone. There is nothing more our loved one would want than for us to return to a state of happiness.

3. Have faith.  It's OK to question God and ask the hard questions. He can handle it. Be sure to ask him to give you faith to keep believing. He has promised we will never walk this earth alone.

4. Surround ourselves with people. We are created to be relational. Having others to talk to and grieve with is an important part of the process. We can't isolate ourselves.

5. Let people do things for us. In a time of need, people want to help. Let them help by raising money if they want to, bringing meals, and writing encouraging notes.

6. Realize we may grieve the rest of our lives. Grief is a lifelong process. It's OK to do special things yearly on birthdays or special holidays in remembrance.

I'll end by leaving this song that I really like. It's called Never Once and is sung by Matt Redman.
Never Once by Matt Redman

This Violence from a School Counselor's Point of View

I have been a school counselor for 20 years now. Stories of violence ebbs and flows, but I must admit this recent outbreak has shaken me. As a lover of all cultures, this deeply saddens me and makes me wonder why we have to go back to the place we were when Martin Luther King Jr. was shot over racial tensions.  The triggers for the actual acts of violence may differ, the but the root of the anger is the same.

I have always had a soft heart for the outcast, the abused, the mentally ill. I was always quick to befriend the foreign exchange student and adopted a multi-racial child.  I know that abuse, family disruptions, and mental health disorders have greatly contributed to abuse and mental illness. I know that when I talk to a student who is angry, I have to give them space and time. That doesn't mean I leave them alone. They often sit in my office or a space in the office until they have had time to diffuse. I often say things to upset students along this line- "We're going to get through this. You're going to be OK. Take a few minutes and get your breath. I  know you are pretty upset right now."

Thankfully, this works in about 99% of the cases. I was shocked one time when a student most of the staff had a good relationship with refused to calm down, tried to start something with the principal, and ended up being escorted out of the building by a resource officer. 

I am here to tell you, that building positive relationships with kids (who turn into adults) works 99% of the time in diffusing the situation and getting the student help. I think my colleagues would heartily agree with me.  The one student out of one hundred that endangers other people with his or her behavior is the one that possibly no one can help. I have seen this type of behavior in both boys and girls.

What can we do? Once again, the answer is not to build more prisons and lock people up. We MUST reach our young people EARLY. This means in the education world- PLEASE stop giving school counselors 600+ students to watch over and care for. We do not sit around and do nothing but schedule!  Like the above statistic, 99% of school counselors are TRAINED and READY to deal with violent student behavior. We are trained to de-escalate situations and to talk students in "kid language," to find resources for them when they are troubled, to do suicide assessments. Please don't judge us by the 1 counselor that didn't do their job and left a bad impression on you.

We are trying to prepare our kids for the future with our character education, counseling, and parent contacts. We KNOW that the students we work with our our future. We love every single one of them. The ones who in our eyes "don't make it," i.e. pursue acts of violence on society, partner abuse, and child abuse, are the ones who are VERY hurt and need resources for PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I have never worked with a student who was violent who did not have something very traumatic happen to him or her.

So please, if you are concerned about a young person in your neighborhood, call the school counselor. That is a great place to start. We never ignore a concerned call, even if it is anonymous. And if any of us have, I am sorry. Sometimes having a caseload of 600+ students is a bit overwhelming.

All my love to the hurting children who commit acts of violence.

The "Bottom 25" Celebration

Every May most high schools in America have a Top 25 Banquet, where they recognize the academic achievements of the top of the graduating class. I applaud these students as they have worked extremely hard for their GPA and class Rank. These students are not without their challenges, and I would encourage you to read the book The Overachievers, by Alexandra Robbins.

Some may wonder whatever happens to the "Bottom 25" students in a graduating class. While most people never think of it (maybe because they don't know those students or because they have a preconceived notion that they have already dropped out) I think of it often, because I work in a school where most of those bottom 25 students come to graduate. They are in the "Bottom 25" because their GPA's have slipped or their family and personal issues have overtaken them, not because they are not smart. This year we are bragging because our students' state standardized testing passing percentage was higher than the students who took it in the main building. We hope the trend continues.

What I want to share with you are some "Bottom 25" stories. Names and minor details have been changed so I may publish this. The stories are told about students who graduated- they made it, and didn't drop out.

#20-25- These are the kids that squeaked by. Jenny and John got kicked out of their homes at the end of their junior year. They were only 17, but were told they were no longer welcome at their parents' house. They couch surfed. They also made bad decisions that contributed to their being kicked out. The pain in families goes both ways between parents and students. These kids graduated because the teachers in our building care. My principal may pick up a kid during the last week of school if they haven't shown up in awhile so they can finish their online course, or take the "one more test" they need to pass to get the D-. These are the students we as a staff cry about on our celebration day. These are the kids who are reunited with their parents on that day too. It is truly a happy day for everyone.

#15-19- These students had teen moms. They were born when their parents were 15, 16, or 17. Their parents were never taught how to parent, so they were spoiled.  Jackie and Joe battled the teachers for two years on giving up their cell phones during tests, sneaking out for lunch when they did not have permission, and wandering in and out of the classrooms without permission because, "you can't make me do anything."  These students finally graduate and we are sometimes scared for them. Are they going to be able to keep a job because they argue with their employer or don't want to do assigned tasks on the job?

#10-14- These students were on probation or had a parent in jail. They or their parents dealt drugs and couldn't stop. Wouldn't stop. Didn't know how to stop. Their parents were always distracted by their own habits and couldn't take care of them when they were little. They spent many years at grandma's house, in fact, most of their years until they graduated. Finally, senior year, they were not on probation any more. They were able to find a summer job, but didn't know what their next step would be. Maybe the military if their court record didn't include a federal felony.

#5-9- These students had to work a full time job their senior year to pay rent and gas money. These were are "hard workers." They were going to graduate no matter what it took. Most of them came in determined to finish classes early, and early they did! They needed the money. Most of them continued to work and enrolled at Ivy Tech Community College for the fall. These kids are going to be just fine in life. They wanted to start a new pattern for their lives and break from the old.

#1-4- These are my heroes. They had a child in 10th or 11th grade, but they still wanted to get their diploma, so they came to our alternative school where we had a nursery and child care workers to take care of their kids while they were in classes.  Some of these parents have maintained a relationship with the child's father, while others have not worked out, but they persevered. I think of a girl in particular whose baby brightened the day of the other students by smiling and waving at them when she was waiting for school to start. At the end of the day, everyone crowded around her to see her baby and get a hug. These girls get a job and are often able to get daycare vouchers to help after graduation.

This is a sampling of our students. We take care of them the best we can. We have other students who have battled a physical illness or mental illness which prevented them from attending school every day who graduated. Our celebrations are family celebrations, and we love it when students come back to visit us to let us know how they are doing. Congratulations to the Class of 2016!