Good Kids Doing Great Things Again

I love posting about good kids doing great things since there is so much negative news all the time. This time I would like to give a shout out to my nephew Evan Smith who helped create a clip for a special needs student's backpack. Follow this link to see the story:

Goshen Students Use 3D Printer to Help Classmate

Cutting and Self-Harm- Who, What, & Why?

I was going to write my own article about cutting and self-harm, and I came across this excellent writing that explains cutting. I hope you will read it and share with anyone who you may know who is struggling with this issue. It is becoming more common with teens and I wish I had all the answers as to why. I know that many teens are feeling alone and sad, but am not sure why. It is more common in girls than boys, but both are subject to it. It is also happening across all socio-economic classes. Click on the link below to see the article.
Cutting and Self-Harm 

People who self-harm are usually not trying to kill themselves. This is probably the number one myth. They usually are trying to deal with some sort of emotional pain, and getting to the root of the issue sometimes takes time. Often when I ask students why they do it, they say they don't know, or it makes them feel better. Sometimes they try it because a friend has tried it and said it helps them feel better.

It is important to get help for self-harm because although it temporarily relieves anxiety, emotional tension, or an outlet for feelings, it can lead to bigger problems later on if not dealt with.

My hope is that by posting this article, it will raise awareness and give friends and family a tool to know how to help someone, or help themselves.

In the Best Interest of Students

When I was going through school counselor education 20 years ago and doing my internship, I dreamed big of what it meant to do what is in the best interest of students.As I have grown into my job, I have learned that others don't always dream the way I do.  I have an intern now and she is just like me in a lot of ways! She is a dreamer and I catch her saying some of the things I did way back then. The state board of education often has different ideas of what it means to do in the best interest of students- of utmost importance is raising test scores!! Why? I am not sure I have a good answer. I do know that my logical side knows that schools have to have some measure of accountability and there has to be standards and rules to ensure that students are being taught. I would like to see a mix of what the state wants with what most of us educators want.

Here is my dream list of "best interest of students":
1. Students would get to take elective classes (band, orchestra, choir, art, etc.) instead of having to replace them with 1 or 2 remediation classes.
2. Every kid would have at least one good friend.
3. Every mediation would end up with both kids liking each other.
4. Department of Child Services would protect every kid I was worried enough to call them about.
5. Middle school kids (especially girls) would have a good self-esteem and never resort to self-harm.
6. Kids would have a chance to be graded more on homework and projects than tests and quizzes.
7. We would have no attendance issues because kids would love to come to school every day.
8. Middle schoolers would get recess every day.

I am fortunate to work in a building where my administrators believe that counselors and teachers act in the best interest of students. Administrators also have to adhere to practices required by the state, and sometimes I don't doubt that they would like to follow their big dreams of making sure each kid enjoys their school experience by not having to always try to bring up test scores. As I sit in case conferences the school psychologists often emphasize that a student's IQ really does not change much over the years, so a student with a low IQ is always going to struggle. So why not let them have some fun elective classes along the way?

I just want to say, that it's OK to dream big for kids, because educators who do that will build relationships and make it fun for students even if they do have to "teach to the test."  I love the teachers and administrators in my building because they do exactly that. We have great morale among the teachers and we have lots of fun days for the kids. My dream now is that every school building would be like the one I work in!

A Little Love Every Day

I am often amazed that when I seem to be having a rough day God brings along someone to brighten it.  Last week a student shared with me that when he goes to college, he wants to have his sister with Down's Syndrome live in the dorm with him. Today, I woke up a little grumpy (blame it on Monday), and thought the day might not be a good one. My principal cheered me up by stopping by to ask how I was doing.

Then at lunch something totally unexpected happened. A little girl walked all the way across the cafeteria to say, "Mrs. Popenfoose, I have something for you." "What's that?" I said, expecting her to pull a picture she drew with love and care out of her folder. Instead she presented me with a little box. "What's this?" I asked. "It's a necklace and earrings."  "For me?!"  "Yes. My aunt said she had too much jewelry and wanted to give me some. I told her I wouldn't wear this and she told me to give it to one of my favorite people. You are my favorite." I almost started crying right then and there. A girl who does not come to the guidance office very often, thought of me when her aunt was dishing out old jewelry. To me, it is a beautiful necklace. She boasted that it had "real diamonds" in it . . . I may never know, but coming from her, they sure are.  I will never, ever forget that gesture in a time of my life that has been very rough with some medical issues I am facing. I wonder if I could wear that necklace in the surgery room next week??

So What Exactly Do Middle School Kids Come to the Counselor For?

I often get asked, "So what exactly DO you DO as a middle school counselor?" I thought it would be fun to list in no particular order some issues I deal with on a daily, weekly or monthly basis.

1. "Someone is talking about me behind my back."  There is a real sense of paranoia in middle school. Everyone thinks someone else is laughing at them or talking about them behind their backs. In reality, probably 50-75% of kids get talked about simply because it's middle school! Everyone is self-conscious about themselves at this age, so the best thing to do is divert the attention to someone else! Isn't that obvious?

2. "I want to drop band (or orchestra)"- Those darn practice records drive away all the potential talent that could possibly make the high school band or orchestra stellar!  The last thing a middle schooler wants is to have to go home and practice an instrument for 30 minutes when they barely know what key to play in and only have a couple of chords to rehearse over and over and over. How boring is that?

3."The teacher took my phone and I need it back"- NEEDing a phone is urgent to every middle school student. It's their social connection to making sure someone likes them.

4. "I got called a name on the bus." - A VERY BAD name. Usually the student has NO IDEA why they were called a bad name. Could it be because they called someone else a name first? I always get both sides of the story. Always.

5. "I lost my . . . backpack . . . my assignment notebook . . . my lanyard . . . my . . . my . . . my."- Losing things is a very natural progression and right of passage to middle school. If a kid exits middle school without losing something, he or she is NOT NORMAL!

6. "Where do I go for detention? Where do I go for clubs? Where do I go to get picked up?"- Being in middle school is SO confusing. It's amazing they make it through the day and find their classes. The building is so big and confusing. Poor kiddos.

7."Why do you have so many absences?"- I have to talk to kids who are absent too much. Of course there are many many reasons and excuses, but middle schoolers really do get sick a lot! Their immune systems are still building up.

8. "What is the deal with these grades?"- It is my job to talk to kids who are getting D's and F's and try to help them figure out what in the world is going on. Most bad grades are due to, yep, refer to #5, LOSING homework!  Those who really do struggle, we filter through our intervention team and get them some help.

I think this is long enough for this time. I will try to think of some other fun stuff to write about my job for a future post. Have a great day. I certainly have a lot of them in middle school!

A School Counselor Tribute to Graduates

 

As a school counselor, I like to think that I had a huge impact on all my students. So much so, that at graduation I would get to give a special address to the class (please tell me I'm not the only school counselor who has had this thought). Since I will never draw rank among the board members, principals, or famous graduates who get to shake hands and hand out diplomas, I will write my own speech and post it here . . . . 

Graduates of the Class of 2013:

There are not a whole lot of things you will remember about your actual education, but there will be a lot of things you will remember surrounding those time blocks of Math, English, and other time filling classes that build brain cells.  I would like to try to capture a few things from each grade level that may be humorous, or may be sad, and conclude with a few words of encouragement to push you on to the next venture in your life.

In elementary school,  you may remember that you had to line up in a straight line and BE QUIET in the halls, or you would have to go back to the room and start all over again. Or you may remember that your parents divorced, or that your teacher was really pretty, or that the kid who budged in front of you at the drinking fountain was declared the school bully. You made sure everyone knew about it, and no one forgot about it until the poor kid was in 9th grade, when no one cared about what group he was a member of anymore. In elementary school you remember the little things, here and there, that stick in your mind, and you are never exactly sure why it was THAT particular thing you remembered. It could have been getting your art drawing in the art show, or getting to take a paper to the office.  For me, it was being the only girl who played kickball with the boys in 4th grade, and I loved how I could kick it far and high and the boys respected me, and when I was in the outfield, I could catch the high balls for the final "out," so we could go up and kick again.

In middle school, there is much to forget and not much any of us ever want to remember. Your best memories of middle school might be the girls fighting like they were sisters who wanted to disown each other, or boys trying to get a girls' attention, or awkwardly getting a note that says, "I think about you all the time, you come to me in my dreams and I can't get you out of my mind."  The cafeteria might be the most memorable place, where you threw grapes and baby carrots across the table when the supervisors had their backs turned, or you might be the kid who brought a book to lunch every day and, despite the loud decibles all around you, managed to picture yourself as the main character in the story.  For me, it was two girls following my sister and I around the halls calling us the B word, because my sister liked a boy they liked, and he liked her instead of them. I was a victim of bullying by association.

In high school, there is much you want to remember and hold on to forever. Making the school musical, or a special choir, or making varsity as a freshman or sophomore. It might be finding  your first boyfriend or girlfriend that you considered "real."  It might be finally thinking about your grades and how important they are in getting into certain colleges. High school also meant finding some true friends, and sticking with them through graduation.  For me, high school was a combination of a lot of things that you might be able to relate to: Ending my journey of foster homes I was in since the age of 8 months, running on the Cross Country team, making the editor in chief of my yearbook staff, and being in a musical, just to see what it was like. Finally, getting accepted to a college I wanted to attend.

Now, for what I WANT you to remember.  I want you to remember that your teachers and counselors cared about you. Even the crabby ones. Don't your parents crab at you? We crab at the ones we care about.  I also want you to remember that you don't have to live your adult life as if you were stuck in middle school. Many adults do, but it doesn't have to be that way. Remember also that love does cover a multitude of offenses. When we smile more, forgive more, and reach out more, we don't have as much time to be oppositional and critical of others or ourselves.  Finally, don't let bad memories of the past ruin or paralyze your ability to use your talents in the present and future. Talents that you have, that will benefit others when used wisely and carefully.

Thank you, class of 2013 for enriching my life and letting me get to know you and watch you mature and develop into young adults. If you see me in public some day, please say hi.

Sincerely, Mrs. Popenfoose

Completed: Year One of Foster Parenting

March 30 is the one year anniversary of my husband and I being official foster parents. I would like to reflect a little on this, as it has had a huge impact on us over the last year. "K" came to live with us as a 14 year old, and she fit in right between our then 15 year old and 11 year old daughters. A year later, they are 16, 15, and 12. I never really imagined myself as a mom of 3 teenage daughters, and I'm sure my husband is glad to have to drive about an hour to work each day- to unwind and prepare for being around all of us!

I feel more than inadequate most days as a parent to any child- mine, foster, or even my students that I oversee at the middle school.  I know I make mistakes, and fortunately, my kids are very forgiving of me when I do- I think they all know that I readily forgive them when things don't go so smoothly on their part either. We have a good working relationship.

I really can't go into a lot of detail about "K" or her family, as everything has to remain confidential, but I can reflect on a few things I've learned.

I've learned that I'm both weaker and stronger than I thought I was. Weaker, in that, I never imagined the emotional toll foster parenting can have. Questions like, "Will her mom be OK with the way I'm raising her?", "How will she react when I tell her . . . (fill in the blank)?," or "Will she be mad because she can't . . .(fill in the blank)"?  I think with my two I've just always naturally reacted however it is parents react to their children as a natural flow from when they were babies.

With someone coming in at age 14, I tend to over think things. "K" makes observations about our family that I am not always comfortable with, even though her observations may be correct. It's sort of like having someone come in an scrutinize and point out the family dynamics even though you don't ask them to. Not that our family dynamics are "wrong," but they are VERY different from her own family dynamics.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm trying to accomplish with my rambling, but it helps to get thoughts off of my mind- just to release them.  Overall this year has been a very stretching time in my life, and I've learned that I am stronger than I thought I was. I've learned that obeying something God tells you to do doesn't always mean it's going to be an easy task. Why doesn't He make things easy? Well, I think it's all just a part of helping us develop our character- cutting out the bad by exposing it, and filling it with new knowledge and more functional traits that will eventually contribute to the well-being of society and the time period in which we live. (Wow, that was a mouthful!)

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I know that I've made it through today.

Almost 18 Years of School Counseling

Today is my daughter's 16th birthday. That means I have been a school counselor for 18 years! Wow, I love my job. I learn something new about human nature every day, and the older I get the more I realize you can't put anyone in a mold. Every child is different than every other child. It's what makes living life so fun and interesting.

I remember well the day we brought her home- she was 3 days old and her birthmom had just signed her over to us, to legally be her parents. While we were so excited about the warm spot in the middle of winter, we also know it was probably the coldest winter her birthmom had ever had. We feel so blessed to have been able to raise Julia- we are not quite finished, but we are well past the halfway mark!  She has been such an easy child to raise. She has a pleasant personality and a sweet disposition.

OK, so is my post about my daughter or about my 18 years as a school counselor? Well, both I guess. My thoughts keep switching back and forth. Does that ever happen to you?

I am thankful for my other two daughters as well. They each have their unique personalities. I gave birth to my youngest, and our middle is a foster daughter who came to live with us almost a year ago. Maybe I will share about my first year as a foster mom at the end of March.

So, back to school counseling for 18 years. I love that every child that I meet is so different, and by now I've met hundreds of kids! It's a privilege to help these kids along their path, if only for 3 or 4 short years. I know their parents struggle with parenting at times, because I know I sure do. I doubt my abilities to help them across the finish line more than ever. As they are becoming more independent, self-sufficient, and use their own thinking skills, rather than relying on mine, I know my parenting job is going to end in the near future.

For all kids, mine and other people's, I wish for them to go out and make an impact on everyone around them, with everyone they meet, and to use their skills to do a job they absolutely love and will flourish in.

Everybody Wants to Be Remembered

I don't know if this is a common sentiment among educators, but I know it rings true with me- I would love it if my former students would remember me, and I would love it if I could remember every single one of their names a year after they leave middle school and go on to the high school, and when I see them in Wal-mart 5 years later.  I sort of wonder why that is? Is it because I desperately want to know that I made some sort of impact on the kids while they were at my school for three years? Is it because I care about their young lives and what becomes of them after they graduate? I'm not really sure what the answer to those questions are, but if I really want to be remembered, what is it I want to be remembered FOR?

Here's a short list. See if you can identify with any of them:

I want to be remembered for:
- helping a new student feel comfortable in our school
- apologizing when I was wrong
- offering to help whenever I could
- smiling in the halls
- mediating friendship disputes
- telling someone they can overcome their past
- pushing kids to try to get A's instead of D's
- telling kids I think they are great, no matter what
- laughing at silly jokes
- taking the time to listen
- being patient (I really need to work on this one some days!)
- treating kids as if they were my own