Taylor's Gift: a Book about Grief and Organ Donation

I love to read, but rarely do I do any book reviews. I was so touched by this book, I just had to share. It has a lot to do with school counseling, as occasionally during our career, a student in our school passes away from cancer or a car accident.  This book is written from the perspective of the grieving parents, and I know it took a lot of courage to share their raw emotions with whomever reads this.  Grief is probably the one area in counseling that I feel inadequate to really help- each grieving person needs to go through the stages and there is no right or wrong answer about the amount of time it should take. The best we can do as counselors is to listen and give advice when appropriate.

This book centers around Taylor, a 13 year old girl who lost her life in a terrible ski accident in 2010, and her parents' decision to donate her organs. In the book, they introduce the recipients of her organs and share how they got to meet each one.  It is also a story about their faith and how God communicated with them to give them peace and find a purpose in their grief.

The passion of the parents, Todd and Tara, was to start a foundation to raise awareness of organ donation and to increase the number of registered donors after discovering how few (especially in their home state of Texas), there actually were.

If you want a good summer book, grab this one from your local library, e-bookstore, or bookstore, but be sure to have a box of kleenex handy. You will probably read it in a week like I did!  If you want to know more about their foundation and organ donation, go to www.taylorsgift.org.

What Makes Middle School Normal?

Middle school is one of those things I love and hate at the same time. I am not sure how to explain that, but anyone who works in a middle school, or has a middle school aged child (or remembers their child as a middle schooler), will totally understand! Those three "tween" years don't seem like a normal part of developmental growth, but in a lot of weird ways, they are.

Here are some observations after 7 years of being a middle school counselor.

Almost every year we have spirit week.  Undoubtedly, one of the days that student council picks is "Nerd Day." Honestly, this is the one day during the year where every student should be able to come to school and feel normal. 

I supervise lunch in the cafeteria every day. Every day I see the same sorts of things. Food being tossed when kids think I am not looking, mushy jello and ketchup smeared all over trays, grapes that were thrown at someone all over the floor, and several students manage every day to get food on their clothes. (This is what I hate about middle school). I don't know how many times I tell students to go to the bathroom and wash their hands. Clearly their parents have not taught them to use utensils to eat. However, for these three years, this is totally normal.

Many, many students make fun of others to make themselves feel better about their own awkward growth spurts. Braces, bad hair days, glasses, and jeans that are too short because of growth every 2 months seem to definitely be the norm. The philosophy is, "If I make fun of someone else, they won't notice any of these things about myself that I don't like." This is very normal behavior.

A select group like to "go out" with someone and date for a day or two, then when it doesn't work out, they each tell all their friends to hate the other person because they broke up with them for no reason. This is definitely normal!

So what are some of the good things that make middle school normal?  Lots of kids work hard and get good grades. Although some do not like school, the majority of them are eager to get up every day and come to school and strive for good grades to please their parents.

Another thing that is totally normal, is that kids love their middle school teachers. There is no doubt that people who choose to teach middle school have a good sense of humor, overlook minor mistakes, and strive to make middle school "fun." Fun times are definitely normal in middle school.

Finally, it is very normal to experience varying emotions from day to day.  One day up, excited, laughing, another day, down, sad, upset.  These emotions are not anything different from what adults experience throughout their lives. Most middle schoolers are to be commended for being kind, caring, helpful, forgiving and sorry for their mistakes.

Middle schoolers just need some extra support, boundaries, and patience from adults to get them through and help them know when it is appropriate to express their emotions.  Middle school is a time where students' brains try to catch up with their bodies, or their bodies try to catch up with their brains (whichever way you want to look at it).

If none of this stuff bothers you, then you might just be cut out to be a middle school educator!

1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)

April of every year is Child Abuse Prevention month. It is such a difficult topic to talk about. Everyone seems to have their own definition of what it is exactly, and it is such a horrific thought to most of us, that we just put it out of our minds and pretend it doesn't really happen.

It does. Every day. To millions of children worldwide. Recently, U.S. media has covered Sex Trafficking in other countries, but I don't hear much about what is happening in our own country. Locally, we do occasionally hear of a toddler or infant dying at the hands of a drug influenced boyfriend or girlfriend. I admit that I cringe when I hear those stories, and sometimes turn the channel.

From www.childhelp.org: 

Child Abuse in America

Children are suffering from a hidden epidemic of child abuse and neglect. Every year more than 3 million reports of child abuse are made in the United States involving more than 6 million children (a report can include multiple children). The United States has one of the worst records among industrialized nations – losing on average between four and seven children every day to child abuse and neglect.
The top 3 types of abuse are 1. Neglect  2. Physical Abuse   3. Sexual Abuse
http://www.childhelp.org/pages/statistics/

As a school counselor, I alone make 5-6 reports per year to the Department of Child Services, mostly because I am a mandated reporter (we all are), and ANY suspicion of abuse must be reported. The Department then makes the decision as to whether they are going to investigate the case.

There is so much information about child abuse, and the main thing I want to emphasize is to be aware. If you see something, do something. Anyone can and must report suspected abuse. The national hotline is 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).

Child abuse is a type of cancer. For the person being abused, the more it happens, the more likely great damage will be done for a lifetime.  When we help stop it early, give children the treatment and care they need and deserve, they have a much higher chance of overcoming and surviving- just like cancer.

For more information, you  may also go to www.childwelfare.gov.

Inspiring Minds Want to Know

I have been thinking a lot lately about people who inspire me. There are so many it is hard to pin it down to a few. What is it about these people's qualities that inspires me? There are a few things that I think contribute to who inspires who. Different people inspire different people, but there are some people that inspire many (famous people like Martin Luther King). Here are a few foundational ideas behind people who inspire us:

1. People whose strengths are the areas where we are weak. I admire people who display qualities with ease with which I am not naturally gifted. For example, my principal, Marsha, is very eloquent in speaking. She displays confidence even when she is shaking in her shoes and she shows love even when she has to have a tough conversation with a parent, student, or staff member.  While I am very good at speaking with kids, I stumble over my words sometimes when talking to adults or speaking in front of groups of adults.  I also admire our assistant principals, Amber and Chris, who know how to discipline kids when needed with tact and fairness. I hate it when I have to discipline my own kids and I would much rather avoid discipline in any form!  Athletes and musicians would also fall into this category. We spend a lot of money on sports events and concerts to go watch people who inspire us.

2. People who have overcome great suffering or hardship.  We all love a good human survival story, whether it involves abuse, physical disabilities, terminal illnesses, cancer, wrongful imprisonment, or war veterans.  We often have no idea how much our war veterans truly suffer mentally or physically while serving in a war zone. My nephew Adam was a marine who served in Afganistan and witnessed an IED blow up his vehicle and dismember his friend.

3. People who are heroes.  "Sully," the pilot who made an emergency landing on the Hudson River and saved an entire plane load of people is one recent example.  Another example is those who serve in our nation's military. We often do not even know to what extent they went to in order to secure our freedom or the freedom of others.  My hope is that we each have a personal hero in our own lives, whether it is a parent who raised us well, or someone who actually put their life on the line for us, or reached out to us when we were totally sinking.  One of my heroes is my high school guidance counselor who was there to listen when I was in 10th grade. 

4. People who quietly work behind the scenes to make important things happen.  While most of us crave recognition, there are those who day after day just do their job without complaining and without seeking promotion or reward, often doing work others do not want to do.  Those people inspire me.  My co-workers Rose and Laurie do this every day. It is this last category that I hope that I would be accused of inspiring someone, or maybe overcoming hardship. I have learned a lot and I would rather focus on who inspires me than who I am inspiring, but I think that one of life's goals for each of us SHOULD be to want to inspire someone in some capacity. It may be only one person, but that is enough.

Good Kids Doing Great Things Again

I love posting about good kids doing great things since there is so much negative news all the time. This time I would like to give a shout out to my nephew Evan Smith who helped create a clip for a special needs student's backpack. Follow this link to see the story:

Goshen Students Use 3D Printer to Help Classmate

Cutting and Self-Harm- Who, What, & Why?

I was going to write my own article about cutting and self-harm, and I came across this excellent writing that explains cutting. I hope you will read it and share with anyone who you may know who is struggling with this issue. It is becoming more common with teens and I wish I had all the answers as to why. I know that many teens are feeling alone and sad, but am not sure why. It is more common in girls than boys, but both are subject to it. It is also happening across all socio-economic classes. Click on the link below to see the article.
Cutting and Self-Harm 

People who self-harm are usually not trying to kill themselves. This is probably the number one myth. They usually are trying to deal with some sort of emotional pain, and getting to the root of the issue sometimes takes time. Often when I ask students why they do it, they say they don't know, or it makes them feel better. Sometimes they try it because a friend has tried it and said it helps them feel better.

It is important to get help for self-harm because although it temporarily relieves anxiety, emotional tension, or an outlet for feelings, it can lead to bigger problems later on if not dealt with.

My hope is that by posting this article, it will raise awareness and give friends and family a tool to know how to help someone, or help themselves.

In the Best Interest of Students

When I was going through school counselor education 20 years ago and doing my internship, I dreamed big of what it meant to do what is in the best interest of students.As I have grown into my job, I have learned that others don't always dream the way I do.  I have an intern now and she is just like me in a lot of ways! She is a dreamer and I catch her saying some of the things I did way back then. The state board of education often has different ideas of what it means to do in the best interest of students- of utmost importance is raising test scores!! Why? I am not sure I have a good answer. I do know that my logical side knows that schools have to have some measure of accountability and there has to be standards and rules to ensure that students are being taught. I would like to see a mix of what the state wants with what most of us educators want.

Here is my dream list of "best interest of students":
1. Students would get to take elective classes (band, orchestra, choir, art, etc.) instead of having to replace them with 1 or 2 remediation classes.
2. Every kid would have at least one good friend.
3. Every mediation would end up with both kids liking each other.
4. Department of Child Services would protect every kid I was worried enough to call them about.
5. Middle school kids (especially girls) would have a good self-esteem and never resort to self-harm.
6. Kids would have a chance to be graded more on homework and projects than tests and quizzes.
7. We would have no attendance issues because kids would love to come to school every day.
8. Middle schoolers would get recess every day.

I am fortunate to work in a building where my administrators believe that counselors and teachers act in the best interest of students. Administrators also have to adhere to practices required by the state, and sometimes I don't doubt that they would like to follow their big dreams of making sure each kid enjoys their school experience by not having to always try to bring up test scores. As I sit in case conferences the school psychologists often emphasize that a student's IQ really does not change much over the years, so a student with a low IQ is always going to struggle. So why not let them have some fun elective classes along the way?

I just want to say, that it's OK to dream big for kids, because educators who do that will build relationships and make it fun for students even if they do have to "teach to the test."  I love the teachers and administrators in my building because they do exactly that. We have great morale among the teachers and we have lots of fun days for the kids. My dream now is that every school building would be like the one I work in!