Stages of Grief during COVID-19

Something that has been on my mind a lot this past couple of weeks during the Coronavirus outbreak is the stages of grief. They aren't only something people go through when they lose a loved one, they can also be something people go through when there is a sudden loss of control, change in schedule without warning, severe illness, or job loss. I thought it might be helpful to review them for anyone wanting to know what they are. The best way to help someone going through these is to be supportive, even when we are struggling a bit ourselves. I think of my students who have never even heard of stages of grief. This may be helpful for them to know, so they can see they are not alone, realize this maybe normal, or so they can understand what their parent/s are going through if they've experienced a sudden job loss due to the virus interruption.

Stages of Grief  based on the Kubler-Ross model of grief
(Individuals may not experience all stages, and they may return to previous stages at times)

1. Denial: "This can't be happening."  This displays itself when a person does not accept a loss or the situation.

2. Anger: "Why is this happening to me?" When the loss is realized, a person may be come angry at themselves or others. It's normal to say, "It's not fair" or to place blame, "This is all ______'s fault."

3. Bargaining: "I will do anything to change this."  A person may try to change or delay the loss. (In the case of COVID-19 we all want to change the situation as fast as possible)

4. Depression: "What's the point of going on?"  A person may self-isolate and spend time crying and grieving. It is often a precursor to acceptance because the realization that a loss has occurred has set in.

5. Acceptance: "It's going to be OK."  Finally a person accepts their loss. He or she understands the situation logically, and come to terms emotionally with the situation.

Source: Therapist Aid LLC  TherapistAid.com

                         

Tips for a Broken Heart

Grief and heartache affect us all. Our lives rotate in cycles. Joy, Sorrow, Grief, Happiness. Each time we hit the grief cycle, we think we will never get out. Most of us do find our way out. The ones who don't may find themselves stuck in depression (the 4th stage of grief) for the rest of their lives.

How do we successfully move through the stages of grief to reach #5-acceptance? (The first four are  denial, anger, bargaining and depression)

In my lifetime so far, I have concluded there are a few important things we can do.

1. Allow ourselves to grieve.  Don't suppress any emotions- sadness, anger, fear, etc. When emotions become overwhelming, do something to relieve your mind and body of the stress- take a walk, reach out to a friend, read a book, play video games- whatever you gravitate to for enjoyment at the end of the day.

2. Allow ourselves to be happy.  Often losing someone imposes a heap of guilt on us if we do something fun after our loved one is gone. There is nothing more our loved one would want than for us to return to a state of happiness.

3. Have faith.  It's OK to question God and ask the hard questions. He can handle it. Be sure to ask him to give you faith to keep believing. He has promised we will never walk this earth alone.

4. Surround ourselves with people. We are created to be relational. Having others to talk to and grieve with is an important part of the process. We can't isolate ourselves.

5. Let people do things for us. In a time of need, people want to help. Let them help by raising money if they want to, bringing meals, and writing encouraging notes.

6. Realize we may grieve the rest of our lives. Grief is a lifelong process. It's OK to do special things yearly on birthdays or special holidays in remembrance.

I'll end by leaving this song that I really like. It's called Never Once and is sung by Matt Redman.
Never Once by Matt Redman

Taylor's Gift: a Book about Grief and Organ Donation

I love to read, but rarely do I do any book reviews. I was so touched by this book, I just had to share. It has a lot to do with school counseling, as occasionally during our career, a student in our school passes away from cancer or a car accident.  This book is written from the perspective of the grieving parents, and I know it took a lot of courage to share their raw emotions with whomever reads this.  Grief is probably the one area in counseling that I feel inadequate to really help- each grieving person needs to go through the stages and there is no right or wrong answer about the amount of time it should take. The best we can do as counselors is to listen and give advice when appropriate.

This book centers around Taylor, a 13 year old girl who lost her life in a terrible ski accident in 2010, and her parents' decision to donate her organs. In the book, they introduce the recipients of her organs and share how they got to meet each one.  It is also a story about their faith and how God communicated with them to give them peace and find a purpose in their grief.

The passion of the parents, Todd and Tara, was to start a foundation to raise awareness of organ donation and to increase the number of registered donors after discovering how few (especially in their home state of Texas), there actually were.

If you want a good summer book, grab this one from your local library, e-bookstore, or bookstore, but be sure to have a box of kleenex handy. You will probably read it in a week like I did!  If you want to know more about their foundation and organ donation, go to www.taylorsgift.org.