Completed: Year One of Foster Parenting

March 30 is the one year anniversary of my husband and I being official foster parents. I would like to reflect a little on this, as it has had a huge impact on us over the last year. "K" came to live with us as a 14 year old, and she fit in right between our then 15 year old and 11 year old daughters. A year later, they are 16, 15, and 12. I never really imagined myself as a mom of 3 teenage daughters, and I'm sure my husband is glad to have to drive about an hour to work each day- to unwind and prepare for being around all of us!

I feel more than inadequate most days as a parent to any child- mine, foster, or even my students that I oversee at the middle school.  I know I make mistakes, and fortunately, my kids are very forgiving of me when I do- I think they all know that I readily forgive them when things don't go so smoothly on their part either. We have a good working relationship.

I really can't go into a lot of detail about "K" or her family, as everything has to remain confidential, but I can reflect on a few things I've learned.

I've learned that I'm both weaker and stronger than I thought I was. Weaker, in that, I never imagined the emotional toll foster parenting can have. Questions like, "Will her mom be OK with the way I'm raising her?", "How will she react when I tell her . . . (fill in the blank)?," or "Will she be mad because she can't . . .(fill in the blank)"?  I think with my two I've just always naturally reacted however it is parents react to their children as a natural flow from when they were babies.

With someone coming in at age 14, I tend to over think things. "K" makes observations about our family that I am not always comfortable with, even though her observations may be correct. It's sort of like having someone come in an scrutinize and point out the family dynamics even though you don't ask them to. Not that our family dynamics are "wrong," but they are VERY different from her own family dynamics.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm trying to accomplish with my rambling, but it helps to get thoughts off of my mind- just to release them.  Overall this year has been a very stretching time in my life, and I've learned that I am stronger than I thought I was. I've learned that obeying something God tells you to do doesn't always mean it's going to be an easy task. Why doesn't He make things easy? Well, I think it's all just a part of helping us develop our character- cutting out the bad by exposing it, and filling it with new knowledge and more functional traits that will eventually contribute to the well-being of society and the time period in which we live. (Wow, that was a mouthful!)

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I know that I've made it through today.

Almost 18 Years of School Counseling

Today is my daughter's 16th birthday. That means I have been a school counselor for 18 years! Wow, I love my job. I learn something new about human nature every day, and the older I get the more I realize you can't put anyone in a mold. Every child is different than every other child. It's what makes living life so fun and interesting.

I remember well the day we brought her home- she was 3 days old and her birthmom had just signed her over to us, to legally be her parents. While we were so excited about the warm spot in the middle of winter, we also know it was probably the coldest winter her birthmom had ever had. We feel so blessed to have been able to raise Julia- we are not quite finished, but we are well past the halfway mark!  She has been such an easy child to raise. She has a pleasant personality and a sweet disposition.

OK, so is my post about my daughter or about my 18 years as a school counselor? Well, both I guess. My thoughts keep switching back and forth. Does that ever happen to you?

I am thankful for my other two daughters as well. They each have their unique personalities. I gave birth to my youngest, and our middle is a foster daughter who came to live with us almost a year ago. Maybe I will share about my first year as a foster mom at the end of March.

So, back to school counseling for 18 years. I love that every child that I meet is so different, and by now I've met hundreds of kids! It's a privilege to help these kids along their path, if only for 3 or 4 short years. I know their parents struggle with parenting at times, because I know I sure do. I doubt my abilities to help them across the finish line more than ever. As they are becoming more independent, self-sufficient, and use their own thinking skills, rather than relying on mine, I know my parenting job is going to end in the near future.

For all kids, mine and other people's, I wish for them to go out and make an impact on everyone around them, with everyone they meet, and to use their skills to do a job they absolutely love and will flourish in.

Everybody Wants to Be Remembered

I don't know if this is a common sentiment among educators, but I know it rings true with me- I would love it if my former students would remember me, and I would love it if I could remember every single one of their names a year after they leave middle school and go on to the high school, and when I see them in Wal-mart 5 years later.  I sort of wonder why that is? Is it because I desperately want to know that I made some sort of impact on the kids while they were at my school for three years? Is it because I care about their young lives and what becomes of them after they graduate? I'm not really sure what the answer to those questions are, but if I really want to be remembered, what is it I want to be remembered FOR?

Here's a short list. See if you can identify with any of them:

I want to be remembered for:
- helping a new student feel comfortable in our school
- apologizing when I was wrong
- offering to help whenever I could
- smiling in the halls
- mediating friendship disputes
- telling someone they can overcome their past
- pushing kids to try to get A's instead of D's
- telling kids I think they are great, no matter what
- laughing at silly jokes
- taking the time to listen
- being patient (I really need to work on this one some days!)
- treating kids as if they were my own

Look Up, Not Down

After a colleague pointed out to me that I sometimes lack confidence in myself, I began to think about what I do that makes me appear nonconfident. I noticed that I often look down at the ground or floor when walking or running, and I caught myself often with my shoulders slumped forward a little bit and not having good posture. What in the world is the reason for that, I wondered? I have always looked down at the road when I run to make sure I don't trip over something and fall or hurt myself. Or so I thought.

I took a jog the other day and I made conscious effort to look up at the sky, houses and trees. The sky was really pretty and I began to wonder how much I had missed out on in life from looking down. I began to think that because of things that happened to me in my younger years, I carried around a sense of  self-defeat, or low self-worth, and I think that looking down just became a way of life for me. 

I have never taken compliments well, although I have learned to respond with "thank you," instead of "nahhhh."  While I work hard to compliment others and smile at passersby and help others feel good about themselves (after all, that is my job!), I'm not sure I always believe in myself and my ability to really make a difference in others' lives.

I want to keep training myself to look up and see the beauty of life and others, instead of the dirty pavement. I want to pass this ability on to the middle school kids I work with. Perhaps if they can learn this habit earlier than I did, they will grow to be strong teenagers and adults who see beauty all around them.

Test Taking Tips

Want some quick, easy tips to follow for test taking?  Here's a great website: http://www.testtakingtips.com/  This website has ideas on how to handle test anxiety, how to study for different kinds of tests: essay, multiple choice, fill-in-the-blank,and tips on note taking.

I don't need to re-type the stuff on this website in my blog, but if you go to the website, you will find many useful ideas. Under the resources tab it has even more little things like stress management, time management, essay writing tips, letter writing tips, . . . .

After the Rain

The drought of the summer of 2012 has only been matched by the drought in the 1980's in my own lifetime. Everything was terribly "dead" outside my house, or so it appeared. Finally, the rains came again in late August and early September. My sister posted some pictures of her leisurely drive, which gave me the idea of going out and taking random pictures around the house. I couldn't believe what had survived the drought. The vegetables had a little help from me, but even so, they looked pretty sickly most of the summer. I think about how the human spirit can be much the same way. Sometimes people appear to be dead, but there's deep life within them, if only they can get enough water and nourishment. The people that don't make it, often don't have deep roots to carry them through their droughts and winters. It makes me terribly sad, but most people do have the desire to "make it," come drought or rain pour. Enjoy the pictures I took around my house as you reflect on your own droughts, and then the rains that brought you back to life.

When Starting School Too Early Catches Up With Kids

At no time is it more apparent of when kids started kindergarten as when they enter middle school- 6th grade.  I can observe a student one time to know if they entered kindergarten early. There is just a natural progression of age that I can tell how old a student is by looking at him/her. I am right 9/10 times I meet a kid and guess what grade they are in.

So when I see a very tiny 6th grader entering middle school, I can almost always tell that they JUST turned 11. This year we started school on August 2nd, so there were several kids who were still 10 when school started! There is much about middle school that is a lot for a small child to take in. The stress on some of the kids' nerves is quite apparent. We have about 3 students right now who can hardly get through each day.  It poses the question, why do parents send their kids so early to kindergarten? Some of them are ready academically, but there isn't much in the readiness tests that measures their emotional stability in a brief overview. School Psychologists can guess all they want, but sometimes it isn't apparent until middle school.

So how do I help these students adjust? Constant communication with parents is definitely a key component. At this point, most parents are not going to come in and try to move their child back to the elementary building. It just isn't going to happen. Think of the embarrassment it would cause an already stressed out student.  I also meet with these students a little more regularly than the other students. I do "check-ins" just to see how it's going. They sort of need a "parent" at school to reassure them that they will get through the adjustment period.

Finally, I rely on the teachers a lot to help the kids along, and in my building we have absolutely wonderful sixth grade teachers who know exactly what the kids are going through, because if they are a seasoned teacher, they see it every year.

It is a passing phase in most of these kids' lives, but is it necessary to send them a year early for convenience when it may be more difficult down the road?  There is no easy answer, of course, but if there's not a reason to send them early, then maybe it would be wise to nurture them at home for one more year.