This Violence from a School Counselor's Point of View

I have been a school counselor for 20 years now. Stories of violence ebbs and flows, but I must admit this recent outbreak has shaken me. As a lover of all cultures, this deeply saddens me and makes me wonder why we have to go back to the place we were when Martin Luther King Jr. was shot over racial tensions.  The triggers for the actual acts of violence may differ, the but the root of the anger is the same.

I have always had a soft heart for the outcast, the abused, the mentally ill. I was always quick to befriend the foreign exchange student and adopted a multi-racial child.  I know that abuse, family disruptions, and mental health disorders have greatly contributed to abuse and mental illness. I know that when I talk to a student who is angry, I have to give them space and time. That doesn't mean I leave them alone. They often sit in my office or a space in the office until they have had time to diffuse. I often say things to upset students along this line- "We're going to get through this. You're going to be OK. Take a few minutes and get your breath. I  know you are pretty upset right now."

Thankfully, this works in about 99% of the cases. I was shocked one time when a student most of the staff had a good relationship with refused to calm down, tried to start something with the principal, and ended up being escorted out of the building by a resource officer. 

I am here to tell you, that building positive relationships with kids (who turn into adults) works 99% of the time in diffusing the situation and getting the student help. I think my colleagues would heartily agree with me.  The one student out of one hundred that endangers other people with his or her behavior is the one that possibly no one can help. I have seen this type of behavior in both boys and girls.

What can we do? Once again, the answer is not to build more prisons and lock people up. We MUST reach our young people EARLY. This means in the education world- PLEASE stop giving school counselors 600+ students to watch over and care for. We do not sit around and do nothing but schedule!  Like the above statistic, 99% of school counselors are TRAINED and READY to deal with violent student behavior. We are trained to de-escalate situations and to talk students in "kid language," to find resources for them when they are troubled, to do suicide assessments. Please don't judge us by the 1 counselor that didn't do their job and left a bad impression on you.

We are trying to prepare our kids for the future with our character education, counseling, and parent contacts. We KNOW that the students we work with our our future. We love every single one of them. The ones who in our eyes "don't make it," i.e. pursue acts of violence on society, partner abuse, and child abuse, are the ones who are VERY hurt and need resources for PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I have never worked with a student who was violent who did not have something very traumatic happen to him or her.

So please, if you are concerned about a young person in your neighborhood, call the school counselor. That is a great place to start. We never ignore a concerned call, even if it is anonymous. And if any of us have, I am sorry. Sometimes having a caseload of 600+ students is a bit overwhelming.

All my love to the hurting children who commit acts of violence.

The "Bottom 25" Celebration

Every May most high schools in America have a Top 25 Banquet, where they recognize the academic achievements of the top of the graduating class. I applaud these students as they have worked extremely hard for their GPA and class Rank. These students are not without their challenges, and I would encourage you to read the book The Overachievers, by Alexandra Robbins.

Some may wonder whatever happens to the "Bottom 25" students in a graduating class. While most people never think of it (maybe because they don't know those students or because they have a preconceived notion that they have already dropped out) I think of it often, because I work in a school where most of those bottom 25 students come to graduate. They are in the "Bottom 25" because their GPA's have slipped or their family and personal issues have overtaken them, not because they are not smart. This year we are bragging because our students' state standardized testing passing percentage was higher than the students who took it in the main building. We hope the trend continues.

What I want to share with you are some "Bottom 25" stories. Names and minor details have been changed so I may publish this. The stories are told about students who graduated- they made it, and didn't drop out.

#20-25- These are the kids that squeaked by. Jenny and John got kicked out of their homes at the end of their junior year. They were only 17, but were told they were no longer welcome at their parents' house. They couch surfed. They also made bad decisions that contributed to their being kicked out. The pain in families goes both ways between parents and students. These kids graduated because the teachers in our building care. My principal may pick up a kid during the last week of school if they haven't shown up in awhile so they can finish their online course, or take the "one more test" they need to pass to get the D-. These are the students we as a staff cry about on our celebration day. These are the kids who are reunited with their parents on that day too. It is truly a happy day for everyone.

#15-19- These students had teen moms. They were born when their parents were 15, 16, or 17. Their parents were never taught how to parent, so they were spoiled.  Jackie and Joe battled the teachers for two years on giving up their cell phones during tests, sneaking out for lunch when they did not have permission, and wandering in and out of the classrooms without permission because, "you can't make me do anything."  These students finally graduate and we are sometimes scared for them. Are they going to be able to keep a job because they argue with their employer or don't want to do assigned tasks on the job?

#10-14- These students were on probation or had a parent in jail. They or their parents dealt drugs and couldn't stop. Wouldn't stop. Didn't know how to stop. Their parents were always distracted by their own habits and couldn't take care of them when they were little. They spent many years at grandma's house, in fact, most of their years until they graduated. Finally, senior year, they were not on probation any more. They were able to find a summer job, but didn't know what their next step would be. Maybe the military if their court record didn't include a federal felony.

#5-9- These students had to work a full time job their senior year to pay rent and gas money. These were are "hard workers." They were going to graduate no matter what it took. Most of them came in determined to finish classes early, and early they did! They needed the money. Most of them continued to work and enrolled at Ivy Tech Community College for the fall. These kids are going to be just fine in life. They wanted to start a new pattern for their lives and break from the old.

#1-4- These are my heroes. They had a child in 10th or 11th grade, but they still wanted to get their diploma, so they came to our alternative school where we had a nursery and child care workers to take care of their kids while they were in classes.  Some of these parents have maintained a relationship with the child's father, while others have not worked out, but they persevered. I think of a girl in particular whose baby brightened the day of the other students by smiling and waving at them when she was waiting for school to start. At the end of the day, everyone crowded around her to see her baby and get a hug. These girls get a job and are often able to get daycare vouchers to help after graduation.

This is a sampling of our students. We take care of them the best we can. We have other students who have battled a physical illness or mental illness which prevented them from attending school every day who graduated. Our celebrations are family celebrations, and we love it when students come back to visit us to let us know how they are doing. Congratulations to the Class of 2016!

3 Things School Counselors Want You to Know About Their Jobs

It is rare that I come across an article explaining my job to people, but this is a nice succinct article that was published just this week by the New York Times. Anyone interested in becoming a school counselor may want to take a look at this. I feel there is SO much more to include in what our jobs are about, so look for future posts on my blog. I have started a list of what I do month to month in my job. When it is "complete", I'll do a post. It really is a lot more than some people think!

I will make my part of this post short, as this article covers it, but I can summarize quickly what the author is saying:

1. School Counselors have a Master's Degree-  they use evidence-based practices and manage data
2. School Counselors are not disciplinarians- we have to maintain confidentiality and openness with students and earn their trust
3. It is important to work on "soft" skills with students, parents, and teachers (i.e. negotiation, listening, goal setting, career planning)

Click on the link below to read the New York Times article:

3 Things School Counselors Want You to Know About Their Jobs

The S Word

I won't leave you guessing. The word is Suicide. Every year I feel compelled to point out the serious mental health issue of depression, especially during the months of January and February. Unfortunately, the school district I work in experienced a suicide about a month ago. He was only 14, a ninth grader. Experts say there are almost always signs. I went over to sit with students the day after it happened, and many of them told me, "I had no idea. No one saw any signs."

Before this happened, the district counselors had scheduled a training in suicide prevention, so a couple of weeks later, we gathered in one of the middle schools to hear a presentation from a hospital social worker on how we can best help in these situations.  He suggested something called QPR- Question, Persuade, Refer. Ask a Question, Save a Life, by Paul Quinnnett, Ph.D. www.qprinstitute.com. This website offers an individual online training of $29.95 or options for group or organizational training.

Another very useful tool for teenagers or those who work with teenagers is a free app for your phone or tablet called Jason Foundation A Friend Asks. Their website also has a lot of free, helpful information. Click here: The Jason Foundation

If you are not sure if someone is suicidal, watch for these signs:

Suicidal talk, such as, "I wish I were dead," "I wish I weren't here anymore," "I want to kill myself," etc.
A known previous attempt
Giving things away i.e. special or personal items
Lingering depression
Increased or new drug or alcohol abuse
Purchase of a gun unexpectedly
Stockpiling prescription medication

If you are inexperienced or scared to talk to someone about suicide, call a school counselor or social worker for a school aged child, or you can call 1-800-273-8255, which is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Website: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Let's wrap our arms and hearts around each other and help save lives.

Calvin a.k.a. Austin

One of the highlights of my weeks in recent months has been the writing prompts that my English teacher friend Carolyn has her students do. Writing prompts are a way to get the students to express their creativity and thoughts without judgment or "research paper quality" techniques. Both of the English teachers in our school do this on a daily basis, and we think that the recent increase in passing the state graduating requirement exam is due, in part, to this teaching strategy.

On to the reason I am posting this. Carolyn has funny students. She also has sensitive and thoughtful students. Today's writing prompt is from one of her funny students: Austin. Without further "adeu," here is something he wrote recently. If you must picture someone (since all stories have more meaning when we know the characters involved), picture the infamous cartoon character, Calvin. Some of you younger folks probably need to google him.

"So for the Expository thing we're supposed to type something in step by step form of something we are good at. I myself am very good at getting myself out of s*** or sneaking out of class, but since I can't really give a step by step of how to do that, I was going to give a step by step of how to stare off into space and procrastinate the majority of the class period in order to get behind in work for the rest of the quarter.

The first step that makes this process ten times easier is having Attention Deficit Disorder, so if you are seated by a window in class, or if you are put by a female with shiny jewelry in her ears or around her neck, you'll be distracted the entire time.  You can also run around and dip out of classes as long as you're quiet enough and have enough charisma to buy yourself out of trouble if you get caught.  Always try to keep a smile.

You can have an overactive imagination and end up overthinking things that were said in class until you're caught staring off into space.  Before you know it, you have eight days left to complete four classes you haven't done s**** in. I do not recommend doing these things, but this is one of the things I have found that I have a strong talent in, and actually choose to type up, because I think that my other talent of singing 90's Hip Hop in the shower just simply cannot be taught."

Calvin, a.k.a. Austin, speaks for many of our Harris Academy students.

Thoughts From Funerals

A death in the family or circle of friends is not easy for anyone. It's not easy because no one knows what to say, what to do, how to help. Death is a final separation of an earthly relationship and no one can step back in time to change anything. Every culture and religion has it's rituals to memorialize a person and give an opportunity for final goodbyes to be said. We are all on a spiritual journey, and for everyone, that includes death.  Grieving is a private matter. We don't judge people on how they react. We shouldn't anyway.

I have been to five funerals in five weeks. Four of them happened to be in one week. The first one was the passing of my birth mom. This week, a rare tragedy occurred. Four of our town's teenagers died in a car accident. Three of those students attended my small Harris Academy (we have approximately 160 students).

This kind of tragedy is difficult for anyone, and for teenagers who are not exposed to death as much as those of us who are aging, it is almost incomprehensible. For the community it was a shock, and opportunity to pull together and support these families and friends.

As I attended the funerals, I noticed myself wanting to hear the stories about the students that made them who they are, and how they affected those around them. The kinds of things I kept hearing were, "He made people laugh. He loved people. He hugged everyone. He had an entourage of friends everywhere he went. He was adventurous. He had a heart of gold."  As I sat through the services, I knew that everything said about the boys was sincere, and I didn't think at all that stuff was being made up to make people feel better. These boys were loved for a lot of reasons, but mostly because of the love they showed other people in their short lives.

All five of the funerals I attended this past month had pastors who spoke words of comfort from the Bible. Their messages were warm and heartfelt, pointing people to the hope we can find in God and His Son, Jesus.  Since I attended all four funerals, I also saw a lot of teenagers I hadn't seen since they were in middle school (I moved from one building to another in our district a couple of years ago). While I didn't remember every name, I did remember every face. I hugged as many as I could reach. People are important and it's good to let others know we care.

No one can be replaced (in a job yes, in a family or as a friend, no). My take away this week is to practice caring about other people more than I care about myself (Jesus mentioned this is a good idea), and to not behave in ways that cause others to wonder what my faith is, or what my priority in treating others is. If they have to think hard, then I have not lived my life the way God asked me to. This life is all about relationships and how we treat each other. Take care of others the way you would take care of yourself. And. Be merciful to those who make mistakes, because none of us can be perfect on earth. We are humans, not angels.

A Teenage Thanksgiving

This year my principal, Lynn, decided that we were going to have mandatory fun days once per quarter. During quarter one we had a picnic lunch outside on a nice day. The kids loved it. They got to have teenage recess, which we all know is good for the teenage soul.  I am really thankful for a place like Harris where kids who need the extra attention can easily find it.  The kids bond with each other, respecting each other and their personalities. Many of our students come from homes that just haven't been able to provide all that they have needed growing up, or where they have not been given appropriate boundaries. We attempt to help them adjust to having boundaries before we send them off after graduation to a job, college or technical training.

We are tested every day by these fierce, independent, free thinking teenagers. Many of them don't celebrate a "traditional" Thanksgiving dinner, so this year Lynn decided to throw them a full Thanksgiving feast with the help of our awesome cafeteria staff. Turkey, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, stuffing, and pumpkin pie.

The students loved it. A couple of the teachers also had "craft stations" prepared where the kids could make hand turkeys and write thankful cards.

One of our teachers, Carolyn, then hung them up in the lobby. I loved reading them, because I know that deep down, these often troubled teens have good hearts and they are thankful. Most of them were thankful for a school like Harris where they feel accepted and supported, and as the student in the above card wrote, " I am grateful for . . . the family I have that's not blood."

One of our other teachers Holly went out and bought $5 gift cards and taped pictures to the bottom of the plates, and whoever found them got to choose one of the gift cards (teenage popular places like McDonald's and Taco Bell, of course!).

Mandatory fun days are not just for "killing time because the kids have checked out before break" (although that is a side benefit). Mandatory fun days are also for practicing social interactions and relieving stress by just visiting with each other. As one student said to me at the end of the day, "I like this school way better than the high school." Yay for Harris!